Giving the Authentic Feedback

Feedback; by definition is simply  helpful information or criticism that is given to someone to say what can be done to improve their performance. 

In other words, feedback is meant to serve, to help one to improve one’s performance so what is the challenges! 

You see most of us related to feedback in a negative way, meaning feedback implies the other person is going to tell me that I did something wrong, something bad! 

And most of us do not like to be told that we are wrong, we are no good.    Research has found that the same areas in the brain that processes physical pain, get triggered by rejection, negative information.  We are hurt when we received criticism, and the impact is much greater than giving praise.   Also, traditionally during appraisal, performance review, our bosses tend to tell what we did right, but they continue to tell what we did bad.  Our brain then only remembers all the criticism, removing the praise the moment we hear the word “BUT” 

 As a manager, leader, a good boss, our job is not just to deliver good feedback or bad feedback, it’s about the overall feedback and that means everything to help the person to know their strength and weakness (blind spots) so that they improve and perform better in the future. 

Knowing people are affected by negative information, how can we present the information to them so that they can better receive it and make an improvement. 

This phrase came to mind – “authentic feedback”,   

For authenticity simply means you're true to your own personality, values, and spirit, regardless of the pressure that you're under to act otherwise. 

You are genuine, honest, and unbiased in your feedback. It represents feedback that is not sugar-coated or diluted but instead offers a true reflection of one's thoughts, observations, and experiences. 

Question is how? 

This scenario (which is an actual case) where one of my clients told me that one of her staff has been getting lots of complaints from customers that she has been rude and upon checking into the voice recording  - she felt that it was really bad.   But she was also concerned that the person would not take to her feedback lightly as this subordinate has the tendency to take everything very personally.     Then she realised that she has never build a rapport with this person as she (my client) is quite an introvert, so she does not like to make contacts unless it is necessary.    Upon realising the importance of building rapport/building before just issuing out feedback will help the other person to be more receptive to taking criticism of their work.     

Sadly, this client of mine instead of building up the relationship with her subordinate as discussed in our coaching session.   She decided there is no time for relationship building as the matter cannot be delayed and need to be addressed immediately so she just give it to her staff – yes tell it to her face, what she did wrong! 

I don’t think I need to spell out what had happened after that as we probably would have guessed the reactions as this subordinate was in shock, denial..... 

In a 2nd scenario, 

This is my very personal encounter during a facilitation training course.    I was so hurt by the feedback that I could not function properly for weeks, and have to spend quite substantial time to recuperate, to understand what went wrong especially this is a unique course which also teaches an unjudgmental feedback. 

So what’s went wrong? 

First,  I was tasked to do a facilitation which I agreed but I didn’t realise I would be assessed.  Next, one of the assessors who issued the damaging remarks was someone whom I am familiar with because I have worked with her for quite a while – I guessed she probably presumed it is ok to be blunt and tell it off to my face despite the very positive feedbacks from all the other participants.    Having feedback from both assessors (one was telling me how shit I was, the other expressed how she felt with my facilitation) . 

I realised telling the truth is important but there is a better way to communicate negative feedback, rather just telling the person that this is absolutely wrong, it is out of sync.  You should not do this...  etc etc. 

Being on the receiver – I cannot deny my system went straight into shock especially after all the positive feedbacks from the participants how they like my introduction in explaining what is it about.... 

You get the picture! 

There are ways to do negative feedback without causing so much stress, anxiety on the receiver end. 

 As a human being with an intelligence brain where we all are,  I learnt even if we are trained to be non-judgemental,  it is impossible not to.  As clearly illustrated in the 2nd scenario where the both assessors are specialists 

So how? 

From the above scenarios,  what have you noticed? 

1. Rapport is definitely missing from the 1st scenario.   In other words, the receiver is likely to feel more defensive. 
2. Asking Permission, not assuming the person wants it (like my case).  I find that it has been very useful when the other assessor asked me “ how would you like me to provide the feedback”, give the person a voice not you dictating regardless of the circumstance! 
3. Yes state the observed but avoid being judgemental eg “You were rude to the clients,  and they have filed complaints against you”.   This is not helpful because it sounded accusing, and the other person is likely to be defensive as the brain is activated of the pains mentioned earlier.  What about “how would you feel if I yelled at you – demonstrate it using role play “ so that they can see/feel/hear what’s like on the receiving end.   
4. Explain the impact: when someone raised their voice at you, how would you feel.  Point out the direct impact that resulted from this behavior, and again be as specific as possible. Saying, “When you called the meeting to an end without leaving time for discussion, it made me feel like you did not value the team’s input” or “I noticed that the clients were upset” is much more effective than “When you don’t leave time for a discussion, you look like a control freak.”   Statements like “it made me feel” and “I noticed that” are more difficult to argue with, and using those phrases 
5.  Pause and Allow them to have a voice, to process what you just said, to tell you what is going on rather than it’s all about you telling what you think like an adult reprimanding a child 
6. Ask them what would they like to do in the future upon reflecting on what had happened 

If you manage to try out this 6 steps.  I would love to hear from you, what’s that experience like for you as a boss, as a feedback giver. 

Of course,  when on the receiving end of the feedback.   Have a thought of the following 

• Stay objective as much as possible ie do not take it personally 
• Learnt to have your own voice, to speak up for yourself and not let anyone tell you otherwise (do not be a victim) 
• Last, what can I get out of this feedback (learning/ open mindset) 

Each of these tips has a big story in itself and if you like to explore, drop me a message