Grief, Regret, and Finding Purpose

Jim Carrey once said: Grief is not just an emotion—it’s an unraveling, a space where something once lived but is now gone. It carves through you, leaving a hollow ache where love once resided.

This day 8 years ago,  my world collapsed, I never imagined I'd write these words. How could I, when the very breath in my lungs felt like a betrayal to my son, who no longer drew his own? But here I am, fingers trembling over keys, trying to make sense of a senseless loss and the unexpected path it has led me down. 

Grief is a journey no one chooses, and yet it becomes an uninvited companion for many of us. As I sit here, grappling with the loss of my son, I am reminded of the fragility of life and the weight of regrets that accompany it. 

My son was 16 and ½ years old  when he left this world, in a sudden, unannounced manner which left me and his younger brother both in shock and the many years to come to grapple this unreal reality! 

Life continues, and with many good advises from many: “do not think, just go back to work, taking time off to grief,  etc “ did not work its magic on me!  Work. which has once been my companion has also abandoned me!   How could I carry on with all the meetings, strategy when the most important part of my life had been brutally cut off? 

But as I navigate through this sea of sorrow, I am beginning to see regret not as a tormentor, but as a teacher. It illuminates the areas of my life where I was not fully authentic, where I allowed fear or societal expectations to dictate my actions. 

But grief, I've learned, is not just an end. It's also a beginning. 

In this dark and painful chapter, I am also discovering a profound understanding of living with purpose through my mindfulness guide. 

The Quest for Authenticity 

Authenticity is a word we hear often, but its true essence can be elusive. It is about being true to oneself, embracing vulnerability, and living in alignment with our deepest values. In the midst of grief, authenticity becomes even more crucial. It is in these raw moments of pain that we are stripped of pretence and forced to confront our true selves. 

Losing my son has forced me to reflect on my own life and the ways in which I have lived authentically—or failed to do so. It has made me question the roles I have played and the masks I have worn. In this painful introspection, I am finding a clearer sense of who I am and what truly matters. 

This Mindfulness  started small – a desperate attempt to quiet the cacophony of "what ifs" and "if onlys" that plagued my sleepless nights. I started exploring meditation through reading scriptures, listening to songs.   Those first sessions were tear-filled struggles, my mind constantly wandering to memories of my son. But slowly, almost imperceptibly, something shifted over the time. 

As I learned to sit with my pain rather than run from it, I began to see myself – really see myself – perhaps for the first time. The layers of who I thought I should be, the carefully crafted persona of the successful banking executive and perfect mother, began to peel away. In their place, I found a raw, wounded, but incredibly resilient core. 

This was my authentic self, laid bare by grief. 

It wasn't pretty. It wasn't polished. But it was real. And in that realness, I found a flicker of something I thought I'd lost forever: purpose. 

I realized that by embracing my authentic self – grief, pain, and all – I could honor my son in a way that felt true. Not by pretending to be okay, but by being courageously vulnerable. By using my experiences not just to climb the corporate ladder, but to connect with and support others who were  also struggling with grief 

Living with Purpose 

Purpose is another concept that takes on new meaning in the face of loss. It is easy to feel adrift, to question the meaning of life when confronted with such profound sorrow. Yet, it is precisely in these moments that our purpose can become more defined. 

For me, living with purpose now means honoring my son's memory by striving to be the best version of myself. It means using my pain as a catalyst for growth and transformation. It means living each day with intention, being present in the moment, and cherishing the connections I have. 

Moving Forward 

The journey through grief is not linear, and it is fraught with challenges. The ache of missing my son will never fully fade. Regrets will continue to surface, and there will be days when the weight of loss feels unbearable. But amidst the darkness, there is also light. There is the possibility of healing, of finding strength in vulnerability, and of living a life that is true to who we are. 

Through mindfulness and a commitment to authenticity, I've found a way to honor him by living with purpose and intention. As I move forward, I am committed to embracing authenticity in all aspects of my life. I will strive to be present, to speak my truth, and to live with purpose. In doing so, I hope to honor my son's legacy and find a sense of peace amidst the pain. 

Mindfulness became my anchor in this new reality. It taught me to observe my thoughts and feelings without judgment, to sit with discomfort rather than numb it. On days when grief threatened to pull me under, mindfulness reminded me to breathe, to ground myself in the present moment. 

Gradually, I began to reimagine my life's work. I begin by studying coaching techniques, positive psychology, and holistic healing practices. To my surprise, these new skills, combined with my financial background and personal experience with loss, created a unique blend of expertise. 

I found myself connecting with others who had experienced major life transitions, creating a community of growth and healing. In sharing my story, I discovered a new purpose: to guide others through their own journeys of grief;  to discover their purpose in life. 

To those navigating their own seas of grief or major life changes, I offer this: 

• Be patient with yourself. 
• Allow yourself to feel deeply. 
• Practice mindfulness not to escape your pain, but to move through it with grace. 

And most importantly, don't be afraid to let your challenges reveal your most authentic self. It's in that vulnerability that you may find your greatest strength and your truest calling. 

None of us would choose a path that brings us grief; but when it happened on us.  We can choose how we want to live in honour to ourselves, to our memories. 

Living authentically is my way of honouring his memory. 

14th April 2025.