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Let Your Life Speaks

Aries Yeo • Sep 03, 2021

My Why – A purposeful Life

There is a story about a journalist who pursued Mahatma Gandhi through a train station, hoping to get an interview for his newspaper. Despite his persistence, Gandhi politely but repeatedly declined to respond to the man’s questions.

Finally, as the train was pulling out of the station, the reporter called out ‘Please, give me your message for the people!’

Without hesitation, Gandhi shouted back ‘ My life is my message!’

If my life was a message, what would the message be?

and this is also my WHY to the many who have asked why do I move into coaching when my corporate job paid me well whereas at this movement in life I have the uncertainty of income and living mainly off my savings.

My story being…

In Easter 2017, when I had an encounter of ‘death’ through my elder son who suddenly passed away due to internal bleeding in his brain stem. Life took a different meaning / purpose or should I say I can no longer live as I live.

I need the WHY to stay alive. And I remember someone gave me this quote

‘Wound is my medicine

Pain is my purpose’

I felt like shit, rotten to put it quite mildly, the guilt is tremendous because my second chance in life is through the death of my child, not even my own encounter with death. The helplessness, the unreality of the situation takes days, weeks and months to kick in, he is no longer around. My child is gone. The baby that I once held in my arms is suddenly gone.

What is life ?

At his funeral, the eulogies given by the youth and the young adults in church were my awakening call. I saw with my own eyes how much he had impacted on those youths and young adults around him despite the traumatic and unfair treatment he had suffered as a child. He demonstrated what is love and touched their lives

How do I live my life now?– a truly meaningful and impactful life. A life that counts! It was something that I had previously been far too busy to acknowledge, far too self-important to search for, far too scared to attempt to find.

Each time, I choked when I was asked on my why because it still hurt. Why do I have to wait till the death of Nathaniel to have this awakening?

I heard many stories of injuries, health issues, but nothing of the guilt as a parent where their child suddenly died, leaving so much unknown especially to the injustice they suffered (if applicable).

Honestly, I have no answer in particular to any parents who have experienced such a pain. A pain that is out of order, unnatural, unexpected and unfathomable.

There is a saying that God will never put you in a situation that is beyond you. I have said ‘BS’ to that for years, because I realised my resilience was learnt, a strength that I hate because I don’t want what I have experienced. Resilience, the ability to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. Such resilience is too painful and heart-breaking for any parents to endure.

Many people told me that I am strong woman as I managed to stay alive, to continue my volunteering work (with Financial Women Association of Singapore), for I strongly felt that it was not right to put the other volunteers in a difficult position because of my own personal situation so I took a 2 weeks off and back to running the mentoring events then.

It is truth, at times we should not ask why because there is no answer. I don’t know why my son has to depart from this world in such a sudden, painful manner. . I wasn’t with him in his last awakening hours – maybe God wants to space me that painful, helpless state but my younger son has to bear that for the rest of his life as he was the last to see him conscious and he blamed himself for not knowing earlier…. I don’t know why he has to suffer injustice as a child, I don’t know why God has given him to me yet took him away, I don’t know why do I have to suffer such pain in this life, I don’t know why …

I realised these questions have no end.

The WHY is always there but I also it’s a question I would never get an answer. As if it is fated that he would one day just gone and there is no way I can hold on him.

In life, we might not always get to know the WHY especially for those of us still grieving over the loss of our children. The fact remains no matter the reasons, I can never bring him back to life, of course I can say, if only I have been a better mum, if only I have more time for him, if only I put aside my own desire/dream, if only … will that truly eliminate the guilt I have as a mum?

"For in grief nothing stays put. One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?

But if on a spiral, am I going up or down it?

How often... will it be for always?

How often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say. 'I never realised my loss till this moment'? The same leg is cut off time after time." CS Lewis

I realised I can choose to swallow in my grief or choose to live a life that bring him comfort.

Where would all these “why” and what if lead me and even if I do know the answer, I can’t bring him back. Nothing, absolutely nothing I do now will bring him back to me.

I need to start making my life count which will in turn make his life count

It is the What

What can I do now?

So here I am – in the crossroad between coaching and therapy. Coaching – the first professional ‘giving’ work I chose where I have been seeing again and again the transformations I have brought to people’ lives. How I wish I have found it earlier … then I stopped myself would I have the courage to step out of my comfort zone then to pursue this “self”.

It is no longer what is past, what is done.

It is about now. What I can do now for others, a legacy for Nathaniel.

My journey for coaching and therapy begins….

Remember, it is not a bunch of noble-sounding ideas, ranging from ‘help yourself by helping others’. It is literally, be Real, be yourself, what it really is.

This is not about ‘what would you like the message to be?’ - that would come later.

Begin first by taking a long look at the mirror. Even if you don’t like what you see (and it’s fine if you do), there’s no better place to start than right where you are sitting now.

From theory to practice …