You are Guilty!

How many of us can truly said that when we gave feedback, we are 100% judgement-free, evidence based and filled with compassion for the other person, no assumption made on our parts as in there is no inference (we are in the perfect state throughout).

Giving and receiving feedback is so much part of our life,  or even our daily life,  whether we expressed it outwardly to the other person likewise whether we received it explicitly.

Why is feedback important?

Feedback is information meant to help us orient ourselves in the world, not only in the workplace.

Feedback is not a new concept. In fact, I believe that gossip is the original form of feedback, dating back to our cave ancestors. 

In The Science of Storytelling, W. Storr talks about the evolutionary benefits of gossip and the fact that it’s embedded in our genetic make-up. It served the purpose of self-regulation in response to expectations: uphold expectations and be welcomed in the cave by the fire; question the expectations and become the philosopher of the tribe; rebel and be thrown out in the rain

Now, Research is showing the link between free-flowing feedback and better business results. In workplaces where managers don’t engage in feedback, employee engagement rates limp in at 29%. On the flip side, when feedback is regularly exchanged between managers and employees, engagement jumps to 79%.

When feedback is regularly exchanged between managers and employees, engagement jumps to 79%.

When HBR asked 550 CEOs what factors were most likely to bring them business success in the next year, employee engagement ranked in the top three, above ability to innovate and even sales and marketing. Feedback leads to employees caring about their work, and if executives are right, that leads to business results.

YET, Feedback is quite a taboo word,  we freeze, we run, we hide,  our brain just not as cooperating in its usual capacity.   Why?

What is your instinctive reaction when this word is mentioned?

Generally, when we received feedback,  it is near impossible or impossible not to attach any emotions  to the feedback. Positive or negative especially the negative ones.   The ones where we were told we did something incorrect, or not as good, etc.

Being a non-perfect being,  ie we all carry assumption, and we have our  perspective based on our culture, values, belief, upbringings, experience etc etc and it is instant reaction (trigger) internally, although I believe most of us are not likely to express that disagreement outright.

Let me tell this very personal incident of mine.

In a recent  facilitation training,  I was put on the spot -  to host a room so an invited guest / trainer whom I know (because I did some training with her). can assess how I am doing.

Upon the 30mins,  we will ask to do a self evaluation on what’s went well and what  didn’t.  Sounded good?

Then, we ask each of the participant, how did it go for them?   Excellent session where everyone enjoyed and find it very smothering with the voice, helping to visualise the theme ‘listen’. 

Then assessor step in, commented that my hyper-animation style (including voice) is totally unacceptable as it has the tendency to sway the audiences and ‘this work of ours’ must be impartial so when the voice is too  rhythmic which has the power to persuade is wrong.     Of course,  I was in absolute shock after such a positive feedback from the rest of the group.

What I am trying to say here is Perspective.     

The assessor comes from the view that this is an unique technique where we are facilitating the participants to come to their own realisation/finding, hence if we use our voice to lead/help the participants to arrive at that realisation through kind of trance is an absolutely no. 

I was very upset by her harsh comments and   it took me weeks and a retreat to come to a realisation she might be coming from the view where she knows me better than the other participants and hence unconsciously have an expectation of me to do better so her feedback is a lot more critical.

Let’s face it, we’re human,  and as human we find it difficult to give and receive non-positive feedbacks .   Our brain is wired to ‘negativity’ a form of survival instinct,  hence negative feedback does not sit well with anyone. 

Many feedback methodologies will empathise on the principle on using  “its not who you are, its what you do”.   

What a wonderful advise !   

The reality !

How many of you,  have given feedback or receive feedback based on the principle above, yet still upset when received or find out that the person who received the feedback from you is upset .

Indeed when we are giving feedback,  it might not be so clear cut at times.  Like my case, how do I separate my voice or my way of speaking from me.  It’s just me, you can’t ask me to speak without tone, without expressions!   

Instead of just focusing on the evidence/facts, highlight what inference  you are making on what you saw / heard ?   This is very effective because the giver needs to be humble and “using the ‘I’. to tell the other person what I am making up based on the language (words/body / tone).

If you have never experienced a clean feedback from someone OR to someone, let’s talk.