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A letter from my Dream

Aries Yeo • Apr 13, 2023

My Authenticity

Dedicated to my son, Nathaniel

“Someday, I’ll no longer ache. The day when space no longer separates us, and our worlds will collide, and love will have to find the Final say. The day that you’ll be back in my arms, no more sorrow, and no more pain. The first day of forever. On that day, all the years of pain, all of the compartmentalisation, all the excuses, aall the cover ups when the tears won’t stop flowing, all the days of barely being able to move under the weight of a shattered heart… All of those days will vanish. They’ll fade away. Grief and pain will be no more when I can see your face search for mine. “ Lexi Behrndt

Have you ever felt sometimes life is not real as if we are still in the dream, it’s a bittersweet dream. You want to wake up (knowing it’s a dream) yet it is so difficult or maybe I don’t want to woke up from the dream.

Am I writing to you from this dream or am I writing to you when awoke.

Sometimes, I am not even sure which is which or whether I choose not to know.

Sometimes I wonder, what if I do know that I will lose my child at some point in the near future. Wil I still live the way I had; worry, always worry about the future; how he will fit int the society when he is different, how am I going to provide for them (will I have enough), how about me (my own desires, my ambitious as a person).

Does knowing it in advance, makes it easy?

And I finally come to a realisation.

No is the answer.

Regardless of how we lose our child (loved ones), the fact remained we lost them. Yes, there is probably the difference of initial shock, maybe a shorter period of denial, but like most parents - guilt is immense and inevitable, have I done what I should or could done or not done.

There will never be an answer.

1. We can’t turn back the clock;

2. We are here now;

3. It is the NOW that is most important

Have you ever experience that someone is so much part of you yet so far away from you.

I have never felt life can be so uncertain, so short until it happened to me! Until my son was literally taken away from me without notice, a day like any other day where I send him off in the morning, where I go to work, where I am simply too busy in work to pick up personal calls....

It’s a feeling that I don’t even know is there a word for it.

I don’t know what’s like to know that one day your child will leave but I do know what it is like when that eventually happened

I don’t know whether it is more painful to know or more painful not to know. All these years, I thought if only I knew he would be gone at 16 ½, I would have been different – I would not let him suffered, I would live my life differently.

Over the past 6 years, I learnt it is not what is in the past but what is now? I can’t undo the past but I can make the future happen if I do something now

And That’s what everyone call PRESENCE!

Too many, including myself live in regrets of what if I, why didn’t I. The reality is neither of these help unless it propels you forward.

In Positive Intelligence (PQ), there is this teaching called the SAGE Perspective that teaches in every situation, it can be turned into a gift and opportunity, it is only whether that sage ability in us is able to see beyond that difficult situation at that point of time. For example, when we see the problem we faced as weight in the gym against which our muscles grow, or without this bad thing happened, you wouldn’t be where you are now.

Many things in life is not that straight forward like my case, there is no way I would trade for my son’s life. The truth is what happen had happened and the bad things had taught me beyond words can describe.

For many people, it takes a catastrophic event to wake one up from whatever they are doing because we live in a default / autopilot mode, or our comfort zone. It is too scary to step out and pursue what we felt right in us but not in accordance to what the society / the world said. For we are brought up with micro environment defined by close family and friends, generation values of school, media, etc and acquired values made up of our culture as well as national values (based on extensive research why we are what we are : rhetoric-reality gap and the expectation-reality gap).

Through his death, I learnt over the years to embrace ME, I learnt that it is not a destination, it is a journey. And we are all on this journey, our own individual, authentic journey

My authenticity;

I realised that I would probably never pick up the courage to pursue the ME if not for my son sudden departure in life. It is extremely painful to acknowledge even at this point. Not everyone needs to be so dramatic like me. On the other hand, I seen many searching for their authenticity, their core values- as Winnicott said the True self (also known as real self, authentic self, original self and vulnerable self) gives us a sense of spontaneous authentic experience and a feeling of being alive, having a real self.  The false self, by contrast, Winnicott saw as a defensive façade,[1] which in extreme cases could leave its holders lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty, behind a mere appearance of being real.[1]

Yes, he taught to value the presence, because it’s only the Presence I can make a Difference, not worry about the future, regret the past or even re-live my past (through a learnt behaviour – falling into a default, autopilot mode).

I want to live courageously

I want to live with a difference

And it is only done

if I am authentic (through self awareness + courage),

if I am aligned to my core (through knowing what are my core vs acquired values),

"Life is the art of drawing without an eraser." John W. Gardner

The more we procrastinate,

The more perfection we want

The more we live in fear, worries and not make that first step

We can draw, and allow ourselves to make the mistakes yet filled the page and not live in regrets at the end of our life OR

We can choose not to draw, a standstill yet the drawing continues on its own for the planet does not stop spinning and the end results is there ...

Be Presence