Fear Series #2

“ I need to be extremely confident…”

“ Oh, I am not good enough, my colleagues are much better than me ..”

“ I can’t switch off, I have so much to do”

“ Let me send off that email before I switch off for the night..” , the constant need to prove yourself… to justify whatever you are doing, praise is difficult to accept, someone else is always better.

Sound familiar ?

The feeling you are not good enough, never good enough, or even kind of feel like a fraud, like you don’t belong, or you only got there by dumb luck.  

And do you know that this ‘feeling’ or ‘thought’ can affect anyone regardless of their gender, social status, education or work background, etc.

Imposter syndrome: an internal fear of being a fraud, no matter how successful and accomplished you appear on the outside. Imposter syndrome is not a diagnosable psychiatric disorder, but a cluster of symptoms that add up to a life not truly lived at its fullest. It makes a person doubt their own accomplishments, and more often than not they have a persistent worry about being exposed as a fake.

Imposter syndrome causes people to doubt their achievements and fear that others will expose them as fraudulent. The condition can affect anyone, regardless of their job or social status. The term that was first used by psychologists Suzanna Imes and Pauline Rose Clance in the 1970s. When the concept was introduced, it was originally thought to apply mostly to high-achieving women. Since then, it has been recognized as being more widely experienced. Although I have to admit I have seen many such behaviours especially in women and I would definitely include myself as one of them. For years, I didn’t realise there was this ‘I don’t count’ eating away at my inner being. There was a constant need to prove myself, I was ambitious, I wanted to be successful, to be the top of the game. So naturally, the corporate world was where I headed.

Some of the common signs we see :

1 Self-doubt : The constant doubting of your abilities, even in the face of all the evidence

2. Excessive Work - over-preparing and overworking , not able to switch off.  

3 Attributing your success to external factors.

4 Berating your own performance.

5 Fear that you won't live up to expectations.

6 Overachieving.

7 Perfectionism : the need to do it the perfect way.

8 Setting very challenging goals and feeling disappointed when you fall short.

Do you recognise any of these ?

SO where do all these originated from?

From studies and the experience of psychotherapists, it is not surprising to find that many of these symptoms have their roots far back in our childhood.

There is a long-standing discussion of whether nature vs nurture makes a difference. In this case, fortunately or unfortunately both derived the same results. Children in their earlier years, pre-school or early school days, have no praise, attention given or acknowledgement. Times, when the child is scolded or mocked for doing or not doing something according to their teachers, caretakers or parents’ rigorous standards, or worse to have their efforts ignored.

When you don’t receive adequate praise and encouragement from caregivers, you can end up internalising a negative view of your achievements and believe you have to work super-hard and super-long to impress those around you. In essence, you believe you are not enough. This was definitely one of my traits for decades, as I strove to excel in my academic studies for that acknowledgment from my mum and I have seen many of my coaching clients who ‘needed’ to get that distinction grade otherwise they just felt paralysed.

How to overcome this:

1. Awareness - all things in life start from knowing. There is well-known competencies cycle that says, only when we are conscious of what we do not know then we can take the steps to learn, in this case to combat.

2. Acknowledge your self-doubt, your need for perfection, the constant need to be better, to prove we are good.

3. Let it out. Share your thoughts and Fears . There is a saying, once we say it out loud, it no longer counts. Try it! And you will be surprised that you are not the only one!

4. Reconsider your perception – separate feelings from actions. You are not your behaviour!  

5. Practice self acceptance – success does not mean perfection. We do not need to be extremely confident/perfect in order to be successful in our job or business.   

6. Refrain from comparison – learn to accept compliments gracefully 

7. Celebrate your accomplishments – You are good! Otherwise you wouldn't be where you are now. Put it in writing and surprise yourself!

8. Reframe your Thoughts - instead of thinking, “I don’t know”, tell yourself “Everyone who starts something new feels off-base in the beginning. I may not know all the answers but I’m smart enough to find them out.” Instead of looking around the room and thinking, “Oh my God everyone here is brilliant…. and I’m not” go with “Wow, everyone here is brilliant – I’m really going to learn a lot!”

9. Visualise Success – Do what the professional athletes do. Spend time beforehand picturing yourself making a successful presentation or calmly posing your question in class. It sure beats picturing impending disaster and will help with performance-related stress. 

Have a go at the above and drop me a line to tell me which ones work the best for you. Or join me in my workshops where I will cover some of the techniques in more detail. Subscribe now to receive my regular newsletter with articles and full details of all upcoming workshops and events direct to your mailbox: