Personal Boundary

Looking back, I recalled I was rather afraid of my bosses in my earlier career, especially this particular one who was well-known for being a horrible, mean person. She used to shout across the desk to get my attention rather than picking the phone to ask me over, if she doesn’t leave the office, there is an unspoken rule, we can’t go either (even though she is just waiting for her husband to pick her up from work), she likes to make unreasonable demands, or even calling a meeting at 7pm if she happens to leave office late. There was this younger colleague of mine who passed the remarks that I have the tolerance level of the building we were working in while hers was the desk. Honestly, I am not sure that is a good compliment because after 18months (my inner volcano erupted), I quit my job.  

For it simply did not occurred to me that I have a choice, I am able to speak if I choose to. One of the common misconceptions when it comes to honouring our boundaries is believing other people will be upset when we do. We thought they won’t like us anymore or they’ll be unhappy that we don’t submit to their wants and needs as we may have done in the past.

Sound familiar ?

Have you ever chosen not to speak up for yourself simply because you didn’t think it was an option? Have I the courage to speak up to my boss, she might realise that she needs to be mindful of her behaviour towards her subordinates (as we are not her slaves or otherwise). The only thing is I heard from quite others a few others – after she was made redundant due to the financial crisis in 2008 (I think) and joined another bank subsequently, she became a changed person.  

This has taught me so many lessons, never ever allow anyone to disrespect me and cross my personal boundary because you lose your own self-respect. Also, there will come a point where you are no longer able to withstand either the verbal abuse or overload, whatever that could be. We have a mental breakdown or I called it the volcano eruption. But this is at what expenses to us!

Honouring your personal boundaries isn’t only about not letting others walk all over you or violate your personal space; it’s about protecting yourself so that you can’t emotionally drained or be taken advantage of.  

When you don’t honour yourself, your happiness (your sense of self worth) gradually erodes over time without you even realising it . It slowly fades away and you become more and more jaded.

Personal Boundaries are directly related to the level of respect you have for yourself. The more you respect yourself, the more you’ll be able to honour your path even if others disagree with you. When someone does not agree with us, it does not mean that they do not respect us, it is just we have different views or opinions about certain ideas or situation, and this is where we learnt to negotiate / evaluate what is the best way forward. We never know, it could end up being a win/win situation. Also, simply giving in without voicing our opinion is never the best way forward. 

This is especially common among women as most not know how to stand up for themselves and ask for what they want or deserve. They always though so long I work hard and put in the efforts, my bosses will recognise it. This is not only in the work place, this is unfortunately very evidenced in the home environment too – we often hear the mothers are taken for granted – she is like a 24 hours by 7 personal maid, assistant in the house especially if she does not have a full time job or worse she has a full-time job and she felt guilty that she can’t be there all the time for her children so … she made it up to them by being available at all cost!

Have you thought about that overwhelm within you, the “resentment” you have at times with life, or people.   

Much of life’s resentments come from the inability or choice to not honour our boundaries. The more we choose not to stand up or speak up for ourselves, the more resentful we feel towards others.

We assume that other people know what we want, since we have been colleagues a long time, family members, then wait for them to accommodate us in some way. This is especially prevalent in familiar or intimate relationship.   

How often have others thought they knew how you felt, but they were often wrong?  

We may know how someone might response to a situation, it does not necessarily mean we know what they are thinking or feeling .  

if we chose not to tell the others about how we think or feel, the gap can therefore only be filled by own assumption which is generally not the full truth. 

Remember,    

When you honour yourself, you tend to get the results you want in life as opposed to the ones you don’t want. The more your behaviour aligns with your thoughts and feelings, the more authenticity you are putting out into the world. When you are being authentically you, you are less stressed, more motivated, and taking bolder steps to create the outcomes you want. You’re simply happier, and achieving more. Your loved ones will recognise it and they will respect your boundary too!

Just think for a moment, if you have a loved one who does not speak up and always let the others choose for them , don’t you find it difficult to respect/help them because you don’t know either because they don’t tell you. 

You see when you are able to make it clear what you will or won’t, which behaviour is acceptable and which is not, others will clearly see what you need for them to do to honour you

So Why is honouring ourselves so difficult when we know it is important for our well-being.   

What is the underlying message that creates this behaviour in us?

It suddenly dawned on me – it’s our need to be like, to be accepted ? And this goes all the way back to our childhood, our little self, how the society conditioned us from young.

As little being, we are constantly seeking our parents, guardian, teachers etc for approval, in our little minds we “perceive” that we need to earn the love otherwise we are not worth it, we start to generalise what they said..

I want to end this note to say – be mindful how we project ourselves to others, especially what we say to ourselves innocently everyday as our words create a very powerful message to our subconscious mind.

Just imagine, if you say to yourselves everyday that you are an interesting, smart, kind person, and begin your day with a wonderful start, observe how your day pen out.   And I would invite to share of your observation...