Vulnerability

In writing this article, I thought I will google what is the definition of Vulnerable.

Not sure this is expected or shocked. In according to Cambridge English Dictionary, vulnerability is the state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally:

Wow, what a strong negative word – attacked, harmed physically or emotionally

If our society sees vulnerability as the state of being exposed to being attacked or harmed it is no surprise that  no one will want to be vulnerable or appear vulnerable. I definitely would not want to be in the position of being attacked or harmed, physically or emotionally.  Anyone?

Nearly 50 now, I realised, there is no shame in truly showing up as my Real self and that includes my weakness because perfectionism does not exist at all. Only when we show up as ourselves, this can be truly  align with our integrity, our true authentic self.  

Vulnerability has such a horrible definition in our dictionary and the very opposite said that it is safe, secure, protected, shielded, immune, resistant, unstoppable, bulletproof, impassable…..

Suddenly it dawned on me, whether we have ever search for this word in a dictionary, we have indeed behave in every way possible,  not to have any association with  “vulnerability” as we want to be safe, protected, shielded, ….. you get the picture.

However, in my journey of finding myself. I realised the opposite is the real truth ie only when I am vulnerable, I am strong.

The real courage is where we are able to shed off that mask that we built up over the many years as we learnt since we are a child. RThere are many conditions of the world what is acceptable vs what is not acceptable, what is so called right vs wrong. Gradually, we forget the true meaning of integrity and we began to flow with this world and show up as expected. 

How many of us here is able to say that he/she is able to show up authentically with no vulnerability in them 

Let’s take a a look at those beautiful fashion models, they are so slim and beautiful, elegant and they are literally perfect. But we know they are far from perfect, and we hear it in the news all the time how they have maintain that image of beauty and perfection. And we also know how much they ‘paid’ to maintain this image - the extreme strict diet where it does not even allow them to eat properly and hence damaging their health, the perfection creates the imposter syndrome, drug addiction and so on.    

If everyone is only showing their strong self because there is no weakness. How perfect our world will be or should I say – should be.

During a recent coaching session, I gave this metaphor to my client where I “brought” her to a beautiful place in connection with the nature where there is a Stonehouse and beautiful sunlight. Upon my clean questioning, she realised that she holds the key to the house ie herself and it is her decision and no one else whether she wants to let the light into the stone house, symbolising removing of her fears ie the darkness. This is only a very simple illustration – what I want to say is many a times, we do hold the key to all the questions, it is only whether we allow ourselves to be fully presence – to show up as ourselves, not constantly worrying that someone would be upset or offended with our incompliant to their wishes…

 I learnt it is not my courage/strength but my real, sincere self that draw people to me -underneath if we are genuine and sincere, people will see it and connect with that sincerity. They see in me, my authenticity that includes my vulnerability and probably strength and resilience which I never for a moment thought I have until ….

I noticed we tend to be our own worst critics, we always look at another saying how beautiful, strong, intelligence, kind, etc yet we don’t use those same powerful words on ourselves. WHY?

This brings back a recent incident to my mind, I posted in FB in Sep commentated my son’s 20th Birthday. An old friend replied, apologising to me that she was heart broken when she first heard about my son’s sudden passing but she didn’t know how to comfort me so she avoided me.

I was so shocked in that short little message – because in that short message, we connected. I know she no longer rejects me and in fact she feel for me just that it is so difficult to show her care and concern. And I truly understand because I was once in that position.    

This is a very simple message yet it is so powerful – we are connected because we are not showing our intelligence, strength. It is just a simply heart-warming love and care, and acknowledging she is sorry because she didn’t know what to do or say.  

Emotion is so much part of us, yet we learnt from young, very young - it is not right to show it, and no one likes to see your weakness/vulnerability.   

“Vulnerability” holds a very special place in my heart in my own journey of self discovery, it is also very much my children. I saw and unfortunately realised years later – the impact of vulnerability on my younger son. How he chose to lock himself away because he finds that this is not an acceptable traits around the adults (due to the treatment of his elder brother).   

This word “vulnerability” has brought me and my children so much pains hence this is a very personal article which I struggled to write for a while.

Can’t remember where I saw this quote, it said : “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”

Do you agree?

At the heart of authenticity and strength, is the ability to truly show up, show up as who we are and that includes our flaw because no one is perfect.   

Do I, do we, does each of us has the courage to show up as your full authentic self and that means our vulnerability

So can I truly differentiate vulnerability from the word courage.

The more I search and I dig, I keep coming back to this word – courage, courage to show up as my full authentic self.  

Why do I need to hid behind my mask.

This I realised when I search for the meaning – when we change the Word, we change our mind. This is another short post on the power of words in our mind (if you have a few moment to read and the video

Because we associated vulnerability to exposure to dangers, to harm. We naturally shy away from it as it is our natural instinct. 

If each one of us, disassociated with the exposure to harm and associated this word to courage and strength.   

Do you still need to hide, or you can now show up as who you are.   

In my journey of search and the number of people I coached, I found the more we stepped into ourselves, the greater the strength we have within us , to be the real You.

We no longer need to live under another shadow, or values that is us, because that only made us more unhappy, and the weaker we become.  

Quoting Brene Brown’s words from the book of Dare to lead, she mentioned 4 core skills to master

• Rumbling with Vulnerability

• Living with our values

• Braving Trust

• Learning to Rise

I can’t agree more although her context was more on leadership. I think this is very relevant to everyone, because we all have values, we generally shy from vulnerability unless one finds advantages to show up as vulnerable (that is a separate topic that we have to explore another day).

We can’t truly separate the vulnerability from us as it is in each one of us and to be able to show up fully, we need courage and strength. It is kind of all bundle together, for you can’t do one without another. It’s simply the courage to show up when you can’t control the outcome.   

Take it this way, in all your courage and boldness you shown up, are there no vulnerability within you or it is just hidden somewhere.

Don’t you just need the guts to show your vulnerability and to do that, isn’t courage part of that equation!

Living with Values, our North Star, when we are fully aligned with our core values, we have the strength to live an authentic life because we know who we are, and where we are heading. This implies a self awareness (a trait of Emotional Intelligence)… when we know our emotions, recognise it as it happens, we managed it better.  

The more we tried to hide/ bury that feeling/emotion, the more it will come back to haunt us because if we are honest with ourselves, we found that only when we acknowledge this emotion that stir up within us, the better we handle it. This in turn, also allow us to recognise the emotions in others (empathy) and handle relationship with others better. To sum it up, it is all interconnected.  

This also gives us the strength to brave the challenges ahead and navigate through the thick fog as there is a compass on hand. As we know we no longer want to live a life that is not us.

This gives us courage to trust ourselves to do what is in our heart and gradually to rise as who you are, and live a fulfilled life. A life ….that you are called to…. And fulfilled your very purpose.   Be authentic and embrace your 'vulnerability'.