The beginning

This was written sometimes back as a reflection of the year of 2018, which I struggled to post it as it is so personal and so raw........

20+ years in the corporate world. At 45+, after going through the death of my son, reflection is no longer about fruitfulness or achievement but grieve and pain. It has become an impossibility. So why am I writing this now down.

Maybe age is a factor, it makes me start thinking what have I really done this year or rather what have I done all these years? I wrote this sometimes earlier this year but never have the courage to post because it is too personal, maybe it's Nathaniel 19th birthday in a week time, or maybe its time to open up to face the fact that life is still going on.

2018 begins with lots of pain and grieve, unlike any other years as this is the first “new” year without Nathaniel, without having to worry about the start of a new school year, books, school uniform etc etc.   

However, office politics continued, it seems become inevitable that my work is getting redundant – only a matter of time. I heard rumours from colleague that my boss was already talking about it. The final “talk” came and I started to officially look for roles within and outside, but nothing materialised. I eventually have my letter and left the company in mid Jun 2018. This officially ended my corporate life in banking. It was such a relief to leave the toxic environment, but I haven’t been managing my finance very well so leaving without a job is not sustainable for a long term. Unfortunately, or fortunately life is never predicable, I couldn’t get another job (that I want to do), while I began the search of my inner calling….

I was kind of “floating around” after leaving the company, on one hand, desperate and worried about getting another job, on the other hand I am not too sure I really want a job back in corporate. I am sure I don’t want to do the same type of work, I want to work with people, to help others but how do I do that in a corporate environment, how do I stay in the corporate as a “saint” and not get involved in the politics yet managed my finance. I seem to be totally unrealistic.

Days passed into weeks, I continued my search, going to the job placement centre, working on my CV etc. But it is just didn’t feel right. I finally decided to take the plunge to sign up with TMI, hoping that a coach can help me to identify my “destiny” and bring me more network (as part of the job search) but nothing was further away from the truth. I learnt a big costly lesson and realised that this is a journey that I have to go through.  

Is this God’s way of telling me to take charge of my current situation, to focus on Tim (my other son) first, to take stock of my life, to stop and truly look what is really important regardless of finance. It is very scary especially for a single mum, a sole breadwinner as my ex-husband has never stepped into the shoes as the provider for the children.. How can I walk in faith in such daunting situation, Proverbs 16:9 came to my mind "a man plan his course but its God that determines our step" and I need to let him walk me through this journey.

God has been graceful. Along the way, I met other coaches like Gerald Tan who has helped me without asking for a cent. I have then slowly come to terms with my inner calling and the guts to live with it. Of course, I have too many friends to thank for their wonderful support and encouragements like Shree Mogan (she is such a joy to be with), helping me with nearly all of my applications preparation, etc, and Grace Seah who never stop to encourage me to walk close with God.

I thank God that the decision was made to move to UK, with Tim as the first priority after the months of struggle what should I do .  

Finally in North Wales,  reflecting on what has happened in the year  of 2018, the struggles to come to this decision, the transition from an employee, a corporate executive to a self-employer, an entrepreneur.  Never, in my wildest dream will I thought one day my life would take such a turn because I hate the insecurity of working without a stable income. Yet, I know this is my calling, my calling to live a life of truth to my core.   

If Nathaniel's departure has any value - then it is an awakening call to tell his mum that I need to live a life, a life of my full potential, not in fear, not in worries, but in courage, in truth.     Although this is only just the beginning,  I can feel the true self emerging  like a caterpillar into a butterfly.   

Please journey with me or allow me to partner with you to journey with you to a stronger self.   Let's us hold each other accountable and support each other in our walk to a brighter side not just for ourselves, rather more as a role model for our children and children of this world.