The Search - Part I

I have always aspired to go to university, that's to me is the greatest achievement in life in my younger days.  Silly me,  not knowing that it is my way of getting acknowledgement from my mom.  I have totally forgotten what a playful child I was and what inspired me, for studies is the last thing on my little mind - school is the most boring thing in life then!  .  Hence,  I am labelled an useless or good for nothing child.   This labelling has unconsciously created a  craving for  higher qualification at the back of the need for acknowledgement which has driven my  many directions in life including my marriage, unfortunately this has resulted in another failure.

The hunger for acknowledgement has also caused me to strike for many things in life - power/money.  So I thought banking is another great adventure (with power and money) so there I was. However, there is always something nagging at me and I keep looking for more… More work, more challenges, more responsibilities, promotion, money…. It is just not enough. 

Sound familiar? 

Our values drive us to make decision, to act consciously or unconsciously.

You may already know what's important to you in almost all the major areas of your life.   For you have lived long enough to realise what you do and don't want, and you are likely to do your best to keep those things in mind as you get in relationships, new careers, and other major life situations.   That way, you can lead a somewhat normal and enjoyable existence.  As such, in relationship for example, you might prefer an honest, respectful partner. In careers, you might value friendly colleagues.  How about the wants and desires that aren't being met?     

Think about your own life for a moment. What is your vision of a really fulfilling life? What would that be like? Savor that thought….

When we take the time to think about it, most of us spend our lives searching for fulfilment.    

And what is fulfilment?   Having more ?  Money,  power,  challenges,  excitements, adventures/ fun?

Fulfilment is not about having more nor about what fills your pockets or closets

Fulfilment is about being fully alive. Fulfilment is the state of fully expressing of who we are and what is right for us. Its wholeness, satisfaction, a sense of rightness and harmony. It is aligning to our core value. Life is vibrating…. The resonant feeling, when action and deep purposes are aligned, is an enormous engine for motivation as well. Making the connection fuels the desire and commitment especially when the hill is steep or the headwinds strong.

When we honour our values and the choices we make in our lives, we feel an internal “rightness.” Its’ as if each value produces its own special tone. When we live our values, the various tones create an unique harmony. When we are not living our vales, there is dissonance. The discord can get so extreme, so jarring that it can become physically unhealthy. Because human beings are flexible and resilient, it is possible to absorb a tremendous amount of discord and keep going, but there is a very high price to pay – a sense of selling out on oneself – and the result is a life of toleration or betrayal rather than fulfilment.

20 years in the corporate world and it’s only the sudden death of my son that has put my life in a standstill! This is my threshold, my toleration of not aligning to my value for more than 2 decades, or rather I found out that I have conflicting values and been living one while struggling with another.  

My quest became even more urgent. How do I live this life now– a truly meaningful and impactful life, what is my value ? Where is that “North Star” of mine. It was something that I had previously been far too busy to acknowledge, far too self-important to search for, far too scared to attempt to find.

My journey to my true self. A legacy for my son began.