Choice within YOU!

“How’s he doing? Military services? Uni?” the next question..

“We don’t know, not up to us to decide, have to return over the summer after his A level and see what happened “ I said.

How does this conversation sound to you? Helpless, not having a choice? Someone else is in-charge of your life?

The word choice in accordance to the Cambridge English Dictionary defines it as an act of choosing between two or more possibilities.

Yet many of us have the tendency to say – I don’t have the choice in this matter, situation, and ended up resentment the situation that we are in, or feeling stuck, helpless because we find ourselves in a situation which is not our ideal or desirable state.

This is so common that I have to confess that I was, or rather definitely been feeling this way for far too many years

2 decades in the banking sectors with the top-tier banks like JPMorgan, Credit Suisse and Deutsche. I still feel some sort of regrets, what if things have been different as in I am not constrained with the fact that I am a single mum ( I need to put the boys’ needs before my passions/dreams) – I can’t travel, I can’t this, I can’t that….

As I looked back behind the scene, I realised there have been many decision points in my life that I unconsciously made that “decision”, choosing my boys, my marriage before myself, and feeling frustrated that I can’t pursue my career. Why am I the one who has to give it all up? Sense of unfairness…

But do you know that your choices are very much in alignment to your values & beliefs, it is only a matter of whether you are in awareness of it.  

Many a times, in our life when we come to the crossway and when we don’t know what’s the next step. How did we decide? Based on the pros and cons? Or you ask yourself what is the underlying value that I am actually fulfilling because I learnt in every situation, we live according to our values although it might be in conflicts… eg which jobs should I choose ?  

How about your beliefs?

In this case, upon deeper reflections, I realised although it appeared that the decision is taken out of my hands. I do have a choice and the choice I choose is to obey the statutory law. Not only it is the law, more importantly it is my belief that as a citizen it is only our duty to serve country, if everyone simply choose themselves over their country then who will serve our country.

Saying that, I do have to confess that if this has been 30 years ago, I would probably agree that I have no choice because I don’t want my son to give away 2 years of his time yet have to accept that it is inevitable of course unless he is prepared to go to prison for going against the law.  

And remember “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.” – Neil Peart and that is the choice of giving up making the decision 

Our beliefs drive us to make that choice in our life, aware or unaware because belief is deep rooted and if we are not “careful” – the choice will become unconscious, and we are likely to end up blaming fate, asking why we have to be in the situation. In this case, why do we need to have national services. 

As a rule of thumb, we perceive other people or external events to be the situations in our life and our happiness, unhappiness, success or failure as the results (The Effects).

As human beings, we tend to see the world in terms of Cause & Effect Equations – implies one thing leads to another or causes another.

If we make an attempt to slow down the process we can see that there is an additional stage to this process ie our reaction to what happens to us.  

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom ” Viktor Frankl

He was put through some of the most horrific struggles a human being could image. But he never lost hope, and used his experiences to continue his work helping other people find meaning in their lives. Frankl’s story is one of strength, of hope, and of a man who made an impact on the world.

His parents, his brother and his wife died one after another either in the camps or gas cabinet. Except for his sister, his entire family perished, Frankl himself suffered torture and innumerable indignities, never knowing from one moment to the next if his path would lead to the gas oven or if he would be among the “saved” who would remove the bodies or shovel out the ashes of those so fated.

One day, naked and alone in a small room, he began to become aware of what he later called ‘the last of the human freedoms’ – the freedom his Nazi captors could not take away. They could control his entire environment, they could do what they wanted to his body (physic), but Frankl himself was a self-aware being who look as an observer at his very own involvement. His basic identity was intact. He could decide within himself how all of this was going to affect him, or the stimulus; and his response to it, was his freedom or power to choose that response.

The good news is we can break down our reactions further into 2 parts – our seemingly automatic emotional reaction to what happens, and the actions we choose to take in response to that emotional reaction which we can call as “choice”

In other words, the easiest place to interrupt, inhibit and/or restrict of our habitual, automatic emotional reaction is before we act (response). We can do this most easily by shutting down or system: no thinking, no speaking, no doing. Instead, take a deep breath. Focus on your heart. Bite your lips. If you like, count to ten.  

It is only when we are aware of that power within us, we are able to make the wise choice 

Find your Inner Power to Choose